Fine Art of Babysitting
by Cynbel84
Summary: Someone gets a little too curious as to how Urahara stays looking so young. The red head isn't the only one who suffers the consequences, a certain Quincy does as well. Some adult language and humor. Suggestive situations/conversations. 1st chapter just an intro
1. Chapter 1

He was writing feverishly at his desk when insistent rapping broke his concentration. A glance to the left, big red numbers displayed two thirty-three. _Who in the…_ He moved brusquely to the door, irritation crawling over his body. A brief moment of "reaching outward" and he knew the spiritual energy to be that of the shady shopkeeper. Unlocking the bolt, he yanked open the door being sure to display just how very put out he felt.

"What do _you_ want?" A dark eyebrow arched over his patented steely blue gaze.

Not phased in the least, the blonde stepped around the increasingly agitated Quincy holding what looked to be a small bundle of blankets.

"Ev'ning Uryu! Nice place you have here." The blonde's inquisitive gray eyes trailed over the near bare walls and room. There was a small kitchenette that seated two, a couch in the conjoined sitting room, and a massive ornate wooden bookshelf filled with literary jewels, medical books, and memoirs.

"Uruhara…." The brunette's tone was low and dangerous, filled with a promise of bodily injury.

"Yes, yes. To the task at hand." A bright smile plastered to his face. "Uryu, as you know, I am a very busy man. Owning my own business, customer satisfaction and all that."

 _That guy is lucky to have three customers in a year._ He was beginning to lose feeling in his fingers, mottled and clenched, from the restraint being used from not throttling the blonde standing in his apartment.

Turning to face the slow boiling rage that was Uryu, he continued. "That being said, I need you to take care of this for me." The bundle was gently pushed at the brunette's chest.

"You came here, at this gods' forsaken hour, interrupting my studies, to have me do your _laundry?"_

"Don't be silly. I'm a grown man completely capable of laundering my own clothing." His hand waving dismissing the notion.

"Then what do you want me to do with this…this… _whatever_ it is?" His brows were knitted, thoroughly perplexed with the older man's intentions. He turned the bundle this way and that eliciting a small mumbling noise from within.

The brunette efficiently distracted, Urahara backed slowly towards the door. He was out in the hall, door shut silently behind him when he heard it.

"WHAAA!? Urahara! Get your sneaky ass back here! What do I do with it?!"

Flash step was the blondes best friend as he high tailed it back to his shop, grin fit to split his face.


	2. Chapter 2

Uryu stared in disbelief, and a little horror, at the small squirming thing laying in the center of his bed. Cherub like arms and legs moved sporadically, blankets going askew. Round cheeks, and enormous doe eyes faced him, garbled baby gibberish spewing from the drool covered mouth. He could just _kill_ that bastard shop keeper.

Coming to perch on the edge of the bed, he finally _really_ looked at the baby swaddled within the colorful blankets. The cinnamon colored eyes, a small patch of what may one day become a mop of vividly orange hair. Realization backhanded him, nearly sending him toppling backwards off the bed.

"You _idiot._ Now what did you do?" He angrily whispered. He wanted to yell and scream and rant. But, the "idiot" was a baby at the moment and it was just not conducive to proper child rearing. At least, that's what Uryu believed to be true. Also, he was not going to give the red head grounds to blame any psychological traumas on him, that was Isshin's handy-work.

He was searching for his now ringing phone when "Ichigo" started to cry.

"Just hang on. I'm in the middle of something." He called from under his bed. Being a baby, reason did nothing to cease the wailing.

Having found his phone, that for some reason had made it all the way under the opposite side of the bed, he began backing out from the low piece of furniture. In his haste to stop the ear piercing assault, the frame caught him on the top of his head.

"Damn it!" Rear planted on the floor, cell in one hand, he vigorously rubbed the growing lump with the other mussing the ever in place hair.

Apparently baby Ichigo had the same sense of humor as teenage Ichigo. After the solid hit of cranium to bed frame, the baby was giggling high and loud.

"Ha, ha, ha. Just wait until you return to your normal state." He was standing over the bed, hands firmly on slim hips. Dismissing the infant with a huff, he flipped open his cell and checked his miss call list. _Urahara. If he was smart, he would have left the country by now._ He hit call back and waited for the irritatingly cheerful voice to answer.

 _"Urahara's shop! This is Urahara. How can I help you today my valued customer?"_

"You can start by telling me why you left an infantile Ichigo at my apartment. I'd also like to know how he got in this state in the first place."

 _"Okay."_ Uryu could hear him smirk through the ear piece. _"Your red headed friend-"_

"He is NOT my friend." Uryu insisted.

 _"Very well. The red headed boy in which you are acquainted, have fought many battles beside, and mutually protect-"_

"Don't get smart." Uryu growled. A brief snicker could be heard before the blonde continued.

 _"He had decided to stick his nose where it definitely didn't belong. After finding out my true age, he was determined to find out how I had not turned into a wrinkled old prune of a man. I have an elixir, which I keep in my medicine cabinet and he found it"_ Uryu picked up th _e_ smug satisfaction tingeing his words.

"So, he decided to take it?"

 _"Not at all."_

"Explain."

 _"He didn't know I followed him and caught him snooping around, nor did I tell him. I simply put it in his tea the next time he left the table."_ No remorse could be heard in his words _._

"That doesn't explain why _I_ of all people got stuck babysitting. It's _your_ mess, why I am cleaning it up?"

 _"I told you I'm a busy man-"_

Uryu interrupted _,_ "You don't think _I'm_ busy?! Before you so rudely showed up at my door, I was studying. Finals are this week. Not to mention I need sleep before I go to school in the morning."

 _"Taking care of a child and running a business don't really go hand in hand. He needs a friend right now, someone to take good care of him. I admit I have many astounding qualities, but alas, I am not a very good candidate for parent of the year. " Besides this setup will prove to be much more entertaining,_ the man thought giddily.

"I am not his friend, nor do I give a damn what happens to him." He was pacing the room, voice a hiss. It was three thirty in the morning, no need to rouse the neighbors. Falling back onto his couch he continued.

"This is his fault and your doing. I demand that you pick him up _right now._ " Dead air answered him on the other end. He held his phone at arm's length, glaring with all he had. _That arrogant bastard._

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose attempting to stem off the aggressive headache lying in wait. He was tired, _beyond_ tired, and now here he was with that pain in the ass substitute soul reaper in an even more patience taxing form. From the looks of him, he was still at the age where he needed to be fed every couple of hours during the night. And burped, and changed, and...Uryu covered his face with a small blue throw pillow and screamed into it.

After composing himself, he swung his legs off the couch, feet reluctantly hitting the floor. He levered himself upward, running thin fingers through sleek dark hair, and sulked all the way back to his room. He stood in the doorway looking at what now seemed to be a very asleep Ichigo in the middle of his very desired bed. * _Sigh*_

 _"_ Couch it is." Shoulders slumped, he went about putting together a make shift bed out in the sitting room.

Stepping into his pajama pants, he began thinking about what the hell he was going to do with his new "responsibility" First thing in the morning, he was marching straight to Urahara's place and giving Ichicgo back. He would have done it right then but it was only two hours away from having to get up for school and he was exhausted. He _needed_ those two hours if he didn't want to be an extra for a zombie apocalypse movie. If indeed he did become a zombie, he knew who's brains he'd eat first. With that, he got comfortable as best he could.

A full hour of punching his pillow and thrashing about the none too comfortable couch, he surrendered. There was absolutely no way he would be able to sleep on the damn spring riddled, god awful excuse for a couch. He only had it for filling up empty space. He was never home but to sleep anyway. He had school, the craft club after that, studying was done in his room at his desk, and any spare time after that was consumed by hunting hollows with Ichigo. Keeping that reckless idiot out of his self made trouble was a job in and of itself. Patrol was going to increase exponentially since the substitute was currently of no use.

Deciding to get up and get ready for school early, he went to his room to get his clothes and check on the "baby strawberry". He was snoring, content smile on his little round face which was currently laying in what looked like a pond sized puddle of drool. He made a mental note to send Urahara the dry cleaning bill for his favorite blue and white down quilt.

Showered and dressed for school, he packed his bag with the slew of books that had been abandoned on his desk the night before. He had only gotten through the first three chapters prior to being a surrogate parent. He knew the material and wasn't that concerned about getting a decent grade, he always did, but decent was never his goal. Excellence, that was what he strove for in every aspect of his life. He considered himself a perfectionist, Ichigo considered him anal.

Time to leave, he went to grab Ichigo, stopping mid motion as he realized he had no real good way of carrying him in a concealed manner. Walking down the street with a child slung over a slim hip was a bit much for the ever rigid Quincy pride. Brows furrowed, he racked his brain for something that may suffice. Unable to think of anything else, he looked for his old gym bag. Dragging it out from the back of his closet, he padded it with some blankets and shifted the still sleeping Ichigo into it.


	3. Chapter 3

Uryuu rapped at the shop door after gently setting his fragile cargo on the porch beside him. He could hear hushed voices and muffled scrambling, but the door did not open and no one replied. He tried again, this time harder. Again, nothing.

"Damn it Urahara! I know you're in there you coward. Open up and take responsibility for Ichigo!" He had a firm grip on the door handle, yanking on it desperately with all his strength.

"Now, now Uryuu. You mustn't swear in front of little ears. They're very impressionable at this age, you know." Urahara called from the safety of his locked domain. "And take it easy on my door or you'll be getting a bill for the repairs."

Uryuu was infuriated, lips in a tight line, a fine tremor running through his body. Finally reaching his limit, he called his spirit energy to him, summoning his bow. He was getting in that damn door if he had to blow it off its hinges. He carefully placed the somehow slumbering Ichigo out of harm's way and took aim. In a moments pause, the door flew open, revealing a very panicked blonde shop keeper waving his fan frantically.

"Alright, alright! I give, just don't blow my door to kingdom come." He plead, large gray eyes shiny with the start of tears. "I never knew you to be so irrational Uryuu."

"You gave me no choice." Uryuu replied, blue bow dissipating. He picked up his gym bag and followed the sullen blonde into his shop.

They sat cross legged at the table, blue eyes cool, gray eyes casting daggers. The blonde was beginning to dislike the stubborn Quincy as their conversation circled back once more to the fact that it had been his trick and therefore Ichigo was not Uryuu's problem. The smug archer stood, ready to head to school when a quick hand shot out, stopping him in his tracks.

"Wait a minute." He whispered, his hat covered head bowed. "Would you be willing to do joint custody?" He looked up into Uryuu's startled face, hopeful smile on his.

"This isn't some divorce scenario! This is your screw up! Why would I even start to consider helping you? What have you ever done for me without some other ulterior motive, something to gain for yourself?"

The shop keeper had the grace to look embarrassed, a sheepish grin plastered to his face. ' _He is truly incorrigible.'_ Uryuu thought to himself, eyebrow arched over speculating blue eyes. Uryu lowered his head, eyes closed, a small growl emanating from clenched teeth. He reeked of defeat and loathed himself for it. He reluctantly sat back down, hand signaling for the blonde weasel to continue his proposal.

After a heated, fifteen-minute haggling session, they had struck an accord. Urahara would tend to the infant while Uryuu was in class. Upon leaving school he was to pick up any necessary items for Ichigo and return to the shop so Urahara could work on a reversal elixir. The weekends were still unsettled and would remain so until after school when they would have more time to barter and debate.

Uryuu sat in his desk contemplating the many ways to maim or kill the deviant shop owner as his papers were all completed, as always, ahead of time. He was envisioning the blonde pinned to the wall by numerous blue arrows when the bell rang signaling the end of class. He gathered his things dragging his feet to stem off the obligations that were beyond the world of knowledge.

"Uryuu!" A bright sing-song voice rang down the hall. He turned around to face his red headed friend who was waving her hand with enthusiasm. Having gotten his attention, she trotted up to him, falling beside his even stride.

"You're in an awful hurry today." She commented lightly as to start idle conversation.

"Yeah, I have some shopping to do then I need to head right to Urahara's shop."

"Oh! Sounds exciting! I really love shopping." She was smiling eyes shining. He smiled back, knowing she was just dying for him to invite her along. He thought a minute or two and decided she may come in handy when trying to purchase the baby stuff needed.

"You're welcome to come along if you'd like." He offered apathetically. He didn't want to let on he actually needed her help, pride and all. She hopped in front of him, his body jarring at the sudden halt of forward motion. She was beaming up at him bouncing up and down all the while.

"Oh, thank you! This will be so much fun!" She giggled, hooking her arm around his, practically skipping the rest of the way to the store.

"So, what do you need?" She inquired, eyes already trained a white, plush bunny advertised as on sale.

"Well, I need milk." She guided him and the shopping cart over to the dairy isle. "I also need tea, soy sauce, and diapers." The last word was thrown in quick at the end in hopes it would pass her without notice.

"Okay, the tea's over…Wait, did you say diapers?" So much for being nonchalant.

"Yes." He sighed before taking in a deep breath to tell her what had happened in the last twelve hours, collecting the items as they went.

"So, Ichigo is a baby?" Her face was screwed up in concentration. He figured she was imagining what he looked like as an infant. Her next words proved him right. "Aw, I bet you he is just adorable!" She gushed, blush coloring her cheeks. He smiled having gotten an idea. He looked at her a moment and decided she would make a great sitter.

Still rambling on how adorable the substitute must be, she made her way back over to the long eared plushy and gingerly placed it in the cart. A dark brow arched, he looked down on the innocent seeming girl. The only reply was that perpetual smile of hers. She won and she knew it. Blue eyes rolled as he moved up to the counter to pay for their items.

They were a few feet from the door when they heard it. A blood curdling scream that could have woke the dead. A hasty glance to one another and they were bolting to the door. Throwing it open and discarding their groceries on the floor, they bee lined straight to the source of wailing.

What they found had them in convulsions, tears streaming down reddened faces. There on the floor sat a very flustered Urahara holding at arms' length a very unhappy, bare bottomed Ichigo. There was powder _everywhere_ , mostly on the man's clothing and face, along with what was most likely a large wet spot on the front of his shirt. The blonde had met his match in the fiery infant that was wriggling violently in his outstretched grasp.

"Don't just stand there", the blonde whined, "someone help me with this volcano of bodily fluids."

Orihime, able to breath once more, went to the disheveled blonde and retrieved the pale bottomed baby. Grabbing the needed items, she carried a now content Ichigo to the bed and began proper cleaning and dressing, cooing and giggling all the while.

A slight upturn to his mouth but composed, Uryuu leaned against the door frame arms crossed looking at the pitiful man splotched with white. Urahara, for his part, was mumbling obscenities under his breath as he attempted to brush himself off. Levering himself from the floor in one fluid motion, he collected himself and what little dignity he still had.

"I'm going to clean up." Urahara stated calmly. "Uryuu, would you be so good as to sweep this mess up?" Without receiving an answer, he left the room in search of soap and water.

By the time Uryuu had the room cleaned, Orihime had cleaned, dressed, fed, and rocked the "little strawberry" to sleep. She looked very sweet holding his small form to her chest, cheek resting on top the sparsely covered head. Both were snoring lightly, breathing synchronized. There was no doubt she would be a great mother when the time came. He caught himself smiling a little too wide, staring a little too long. Covering them with the sage colored blanket, he turned to seek out Urahara.


End file.
